A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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