i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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