Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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