we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
