ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
