so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
