He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
