And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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