Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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