Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Someone came in the potted fern
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
