ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
