Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
