Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Found the puke drawer
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
