You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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