I think I just saw someone hide a body.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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