it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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