I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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