Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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