After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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