I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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