would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
