When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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