NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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