she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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