I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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