Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Randomize
