I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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