True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
