if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
