Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
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