I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
