this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
