Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
