this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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