sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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