After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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