bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
