White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
