I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
