it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
