Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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