I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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