Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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