I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
