in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
