I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
