My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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