you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
