so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
