You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
